Orlando Weeks

Britain's favourite rocker Orlando Weeks is known for his horrifically copacetic riffs and mentally warping antics on stage, however Orlando has a surprisingly dark personality hidden away in private.
Orlando is an asceticist, he thrives on the sufferring of himself and of others, the others specifically being sheep. Orlando is the keeper of a herd of 40 sheep, recently his farm has been subject to an investigation after he reported trespassers on the farm and police found the disembodied hooves and entrails he had been keeping, hidden from public view. The sheep found in cages on Orlando's property have been reported to have suffered bruising, choking and many of them suffering knife wounds. It is believed that the seemingly innocent Orlando involves them in agonizing satanic torture from which death is the ultimate release.
The sheep found on his property have been taken by the RSPCA although Orlando claims to have never owned any sheep or even to have ventured onto the pens and cages for animals included in his property and always considered them decoration.

5 facts:

1. Computers are made of sand.
2. Leeches are more flammable than alcohol.
3. Taking an enema is like being anally raped by a pineapple.
4. More people are killed by socks than Polar bears every year.
5. The day after my birthday is not my birthday mum!

Bit Of A Change

This time its not going to be a regular post, i usually select a random D-list celeb and a random misdemeanour and i have my story. Today, for a bit of a change, i've decided to post some words and phrases i made up (with some help from Kev) which you should try to use instead of spreading vicious rumours this week. This is not like a dictionary, i couldn't be bothered arranging them alphabetically and some descriptions are just lazy.



Beppen - Sudden jerk when waking when you shouldnt be asleep (e.g. on a bus), usually accompanied by "AAAAGH!"
I'm a little tired, i hope i dont beppen on the bus.



Twangled - To be tired and confused
I just beppened on the bus, must be twangled.



Ragatastic - Well dressed/good looking
That person's ragatastic



Oblicable - Conforming to a common stereotype
Most black people are Oblicable



Mersodic - Slightly lopsided but its hard to tell
The man wore mersodic glasses



Moponging - The act of dropping a rack of CDs and they go all over the place
Bloody hell! I just moponged =[.



Guinea pig's garden - Where you go when you die in an operation before resuscitation
Bloody hell! I was in the Guinea Pig's garden for a while!



Backseat footballer - Somebody who tells a foootballer what they should've done now they have the hindsight but wouldn't have known any better than the footballer if it was them, usually lengthy and unsolicited.
Bloody backseat footballers ruin the game.





5 Facts:
1. Vegetarians love animals (except for fish, they can fucking die!)
2. Deckchairs grown on some trees in south east Asia.
3. Elephants look good with tatoos.
4. Armadillos can use computers, the worlds most dangerous hackers are actually Armadillos.
5. My enemies will be like swiss cheese with blood coming out of the holes.

Mark Lamarr

Britains favourite funnyman Mark Lamarr is well known for his casual wit and successful quick-fire gameshow style. He has disappeared from our screens in recent months, many have speculated it to be a scandal involving drugs or the abuse of animals.

Those who speculated drugs were right.

IHP is a charitable organisation dedicated to providing donated medical aid to communities in the developing world. They link the UK medical community, pharmaceutical and medical supply companies and government, with organisations and individuals involved in providing humanitarian aid to the world's most needy. Their aim is to enable those delivering healthcare to the poor in low income countries, and to the needy in times of disaster, to increase their effectiveness and capacity to do more by providing greater access to quality donated medicines, medical supplies and supply chain management skills, therefore Lamarr is a drug dealer of sorts.
On the matter he cites "It's very much a dream job and i'm making a name for myself as a notorias drug dealer at the moment. I can't see a return to Buzzcocks again while Jupitus is still around, i couldnt stand that man. Amstell can fuck off too!"
Lamarr has also changed his official name to Goliath and insists that any stone/rock-like objects be removed from any room that he enters.

In celebration of Evana Lynch's (Luna Lovegood in HP) 18th birthday yesterday
5 Evanna facts:
1. Evanna Lives in Termonfeckin, Ireland.
2. Evanna has inside-out eyelids.
3. Evanna had a bit-part as "dock commander" in the first series of "Star Trek"
4. Evanna has a tattoo of a tractor on the back of her left thigh.
5. Evanna is made of steel.

Stephen Street

Stephen Street is an English music producer best known for his work with The Smiths in the 1980s, and Blur and The Cranberries in the 1990s. Many people hold him in the highest reguard in relation to producing music although some of his clandestine capers during the recording of Blur's album "The Great Escape" in 1995 have been unfavourable.
So people have passed the unwritten story down, to this day. I can only imagine how the story has been distorted but by the time I came to hear it the story went like this:
The week before the album was to come out, Street was feeling thretened by the dominance of Take That in the charts, he didnt want them to ruin the reputation of his perfectly well produced album. Street decided to seek them out. To his surprise he found Robbie Williams dressed in womens clothes and instead of his original idea of thuggery he took photographs and used these for leverage over the man. The kind of leverage used is still uncertain but the story told says the photographs including a "literally bleeding Robbie" still exist and are to be found hidden in a box somewhere in Camden.

5 Facts:

1. If you stroke a spider its hairs fall off.
2. Sooty the puppet has Chlamydia.
3. There have been 7 accounts of Humans growing a third kidney on the outside of their body.
4. David Cameron was born in a Cambodian Yurt.
5. Exit signs - they're on the way out.

John Savident and Graham Skidmore

Beloved Coronation street actor John Savident in December 2005 announced that he would leave the show citing (undisclosed) "personal reasons" for his decision. He later revealed that he had retired from the show "because he wanted to spend more time with his family in Hertfordshire"
Since leaving the show he had few opportunities to act in serious shows, this is where Graham Skidmore came into the picture.
We all know Skidmore as the beloved "Our Graham" from the hit Saturday night show Blind Date, but what of him since those days?
Well Skidmore too had experience of being out of work since being dropped in 2002, upon realising their common situation Savident managed to track down our Graham and to his surprise found he was running a Methamphetamine lab under his newer Pseudonym of Slamming Skidmore. So called because he reccomended his drugs be injected rather than smoked.
The TV old timers struck up a successful partnership as the local dealers to many London High Schools and attempted to work their way up the drugs ladder in the following years.
Graham now resides in Wandsworth Prison, London after the police "busted a £6million crystal meth deal" Witness accounts tell of John Savident "Giggling to himself running away from the lab wearing nothing but swim shorts" Many have speculated that Savident double crossed our Graham on the biggest deal they had managed and took the money whilst leaving our Graham for the police to find in a bloody mess. Sources have lead us to believe that John Savident has fled the country although his whereabouts had not yet been confirmed.

5 facts:
1. People that are allergic to cats have no reflection.
2. In ancient Japan public farting contests were held to derermine the loudest and longest.
3. If you are left handed you are 60% more likely to have a hip replacement.
4. On average after quitting smoking people need half the amount of sleep they used to.
5. The owl is the only bird that uses its upper eyelid to blink, all other birds bring their lower eyelid upwards

Richard Blackwood

Britains favourite comedian Richard Blackwood has not always been the fun loving entertainer that we know him as today. He once speculated that had he not "made it in showbusiness" he would have been a graphic designer, designing buildings. However details of his past life came to light recently after a public broadcast from his old employer. Blackwood used to be employed as an animal control officer where he earned the knickname the terrier tickler amoungst his colleagues for his antics involving stray dogs that had already had a rough time. Suffice to say, if these dogs were human children Blackwood would still be in prison. At the time his "quality" was accepted amongst the trade and to some was seen as an endearing trait, such was the brutal "big bad dog catcher" mindset of days gone by.

5 facts:
1. Stevie Wonder is actually Top Gears The stig.
2. Montreal was the only city to host the olympics and lose money in 1976.
3. The Eiffel Tower is made completely of CGI.
4. Hoerenkast means toast in dutch.
5. Charmander was the only pokémon that had teeth.

The Rock

Famous actor Dwayne Johnson has not always been the fun-loving entertainer he is percieved to be, before becoming a wrestler he earned the knickname 'The Rock' from his dubious antics involving peacocks. Dwayne was once a keeper of peacocks but the birds had been forced upon him by his late grandfather who was losing his mind. The peacocks weren't getting their required nourishment from Dwayne's food supply of butter and tomatoes, when neighbours began to complain about the inhumane treatment of the birds Dwayne finally snapped cackling with glee and shouting 'you won't be my problem anymore' Dwayne took a large rock and eliminated the contents of his pen, since becoming famous this has been in shadow thanks to his continuing payments to the RSPCA.

5 Facts:
1. Richard Kiel is DJ Talent's uncle
2. Butterflys do not sleep
3. Locksmiths go through more training than doctors
4. Hedgehogs in some cases can actually survive being run over, undamaged.
5. Alex Turner has arthiritis